What are the most common marriage reconciliation mistakes to avoid after infidelity?
Infidelity happened – your spouse has cheated on you and what should you do?!
Song refrain of the famous British band ‘’Clash’’ comes to one’s mind: ‘’Should I stay or should I go’’?!
In order not to make a common marriage reconciliation mistakes and ultimately make wrong (and lifetime) decision you should ask yourself questions like this:
- Has it happened before and/or is infidelity a recurring issue in your relationship?
- Do you have children?
- How long have you been married?
- Was your spouse in the right mind when the infidelity occurred?
- Is reconciliation after an affair possible?
According to many experts and people who went through this same situation, you should stay away from making rash decisions in the first place. Even if you have a firm opinion about infidelity – slow down, take a deep breath and think things through. Think about all you have had so far in your marriage and life. Think about your kid or kids and how old they are/how this could affect them. Also think about your entire family; think about assets you have acquired together or since you have been married, etc.
Therefore, here are 10 common marriage reconciliation mistakes to avoid after infidelity:
1. Do not make an extreme decision/s
When you have been cheated upon it is normal that you go through extreme feelings and emotions. In such situations you might feel motivated to do many things: to throw your cheating partner out of the house. To serve divorce papers on a silver plate; to cry your eyes out; to demolish your house, etc. Calm down and try to do the best you can.
Once when you reconcile you might feel terrified with the things you have done!
Even if you get back together do not make any quick decisions with regards to any aspect of your life: children, property, money as it takes a lot of reconciling time for the couples after infidelity. Healing process sometimes might take up to a few years of hard work for the couple to rebuild trust again.
It is important to notice that partners need to give each other some space until feelings are assessed correctly and objectively. When an affair comes to surface – it takes out a ton of uncomfortable emotions and situations and that is why it is best to postpone important decisions.
2. Do not ask too many questions
It is very important that you communicate during the reconciliation process. You do not need to know every single detail about an extramarital affair that your cheating partner has been involved in. Even if you are 100% sure that your marriage is back to normal, many questions probably haunt you. For example, why and where it all started; to what extent it all went; what does he/she (affair partner) look like?; why did it end? Is it going to happen again?
Some questions simply do not need to be discussed. It is just a form of torture, and there is no satisfactory answer anyway. In the end, It doesn’t serve your mental health at all!
3. Do not ask too few questions
Asking too many questions is a problem, as asking too few questions. It is essential to know for how long your partner had an affair?! As the answer to that question will most likely provide you with the best reconciliation path and allow your infidelity recovery.
Finding out about the exact feeling your unfaithful partner had or still has is also a must. It is important to find out if it was a one-night stand that came out of heavily drinking at the party or your spouse might (still) be in love with an affair partner.
4. Do not pursue revenge
As you have been cheated upon you feel terrible. Your mind is full of thoughts on how to hurt your cheating spouse. You may be tempted to hurt your partner the way you were hurt. You might even think of having an affair yourself but know that such thoughts are only self-destructive. Before you do something you will regret later on – think twice. To forgive is probably the hardest thing to do but if you want to save your marriage – that is the best way to do it. Always have in mind that living well is the best revenge.
5. Do not let paranoia win
One of the most important things to avoid after being cheated upon is not to become paranoid. It is understandable to have a ton of fears and suspicions and your doubt is most likely valid. But you should stop acting paranoid as that can only depreciate your (marriage) circumstances in the future. Your paranoia for your infidelity partner to cheat again can cause a huge disbalance for your entire well-being. Some people cheat just to cheat and you can not do absolutely nothing to stop that. So stop going through their phones, Facebook, Instagram or any other social media page. If you have made the decision to forgive, do it wholeheartedly and bravely move on.
6. Do not involve your children
Infidelity always creates such a tough situation. But don’t you ever use your children to be put in the middle of you and your cheating partner. That’s a BIG no in such circumstances. In some situations when one emotional affair gets enlightened, some people tend to use children as collateral to keep an infidelity partner in a relationship. Some people use children to expel cheaters / cheating partners by not allowing them to see or get in touch with children or to scare them by humiliating them in front of the children. They just simply don’t need to know details about the infidelity drama two of you are going through. It should stay only between you two especially if you kids are young.
Common marriage reconciliation mistakes to avoid after infidelity – it’s not children’s fault
If they are in their 20’s you might make a decision to say something to them. But even then you should not involve them completely nor use them for your own goals and endeavors. Creating such a broken relationship will probably do more harm than good. And it will never be possible to create a happy marriage on such a broken basis. Children are your closest family members and using them in the middle of the infidelity drama with your unfaithful partner might be the one of the biggest mistakes you could regret until the rest of your life.
7. Don’t blame yourself or feel guilty
Blaming yourself should not be justification for something that you have not done in the first place. It is very hard for one person to stay focused and strong after he or she has been cheated upon. When we find out that somebody we love and care about so much, has done something so atrocious to us – we start to think that we might be guilty for this to happen. Next phase is to start self-doubting ourselves and to ask ourselves questions such as: “What did I do wrong’’? Or: “What have I done to make him/her do this”, “Was it me?”, etc. After we realize what has happened and start to accept that they have done something wrong we start to ask ourselves questions like: “How come I didn’t realize this sooner”?. Or: “How could I be so stupid and/or naive?”
Whatever happens do not allow it to affect your sense of self.
In some cases, cheaters go after their marriage partner and blame him/her or a bad marriage situation for cheating. If they try to do this – do not allow them to destroy your self esteem. They are the ones who have been cheated and they should take full responsibility for their acts. The final aspiration here would be that the solution for both to be content again is found so it is perhaps the best time to seek marriage counseling. A relationship expert seems like the best person that could provide guidance and help in such circumstances.
8. Not seeking professional help when you need it
It is never easy to deal with the emotional distress caused by extramarital affairs. To go through details about an actual affair and all that involved; feeling sorry for yourself; feeling angry, mad and furious, etc. might be an emotional rollercoaster for many ordinary people. You can never go over the feeling of betrayal. But if you really want to save your marriage you should consider couples counseling and couples therapy sooner but later. It is always helpful to let a professional – marriage counselor jump in and provide you with the much needed help and assistance.
Of course, it is a difficult time when you need to take care of your own well-being. It is essential to realize that you are at a vulnerable stage and any more mistakes can cause your relationship to disintegrate further. Therefore it is best to seek couple’s therapy to start afresh with the help of a disinterested third party whose sole purpose is to lead you both toward a better place into your new relationship.
However, couple counseling might be very expensive and some of the couples in need can not afford it. Information that could help some is that online counseling is becoming very popular and can cost a lot less.
9. Don’t involve friends and coworkers
Your friends / coworkers from different departments might be great partners for casual talks and funny cheat-chats but they should not know what is going on with you and your unfaithful partner. The same rule needs to be applied for the neighbors and not such close friends. Plastering your spouse around town will only make things worse – which could boomerang back and blast your mental health.
It is not an easy period of your lifetime and you need to be strong to rebuild a life so this is the time to talk to your trusted friends and family members or seek out support groups.
10. Common marriage reconciliation mistakes to avoid after infidelity – Confronting affair partner (girlfriend or boyfriend)
Talking and confronting an affair partner of your unfaithful spouse is considered to be the worst mistake after infidelity. There is always a compulsion to discover why this has happened as one of the most difficult parts of an affair is to detect the motive of an affair. Once an extramarital affair has been broken do not try to connect with the person your partner has been having an affair with. That is the last person that will provide you with the valid explanations.
Some people feel an overwhelming need to confront the affair partner. Some are driven by a need to get the obsession out of their heads. For others, it may be a need to face their fears. There can be a number of reasons, but you should try to get your mind off the affair partner and onto your own recovery – as that is a much more productive process.
Confronting an affair partner might turn very ugly as they might also be in love with your spouse that could produce bigger harm to you and a possibility of reconciliation with your partner. It might be very tempting to ask questions and hit back at your love rival. But you should move on and work on putting pieces of your love life back together.
- Is it possible for a married couple to reconcile after an infidelity_what should cheating partners take into consideration after an adultery
It is possible to reconcile after adultery, and even make your marriage better than before, but it takes hard work and a roadmap for a cheating partner has to be made in advance. These actions might help you to make amends and to move forward with your relationship:
You must take complete accountability for your actions. Your partner may have contributed to the breakdown of intimacy in your marriage, but she (or he) did not make you cheat. In the end, that was your own choice. If you are offsetting accusations on your betrayed spouse, you are not being accountable – and your marriage might already be ruined.
Cheating partners are well known to have a lack of empathy, at least while they are cheating. Most of the time they justify their behavior with being stressed out at work. Or their partner who is too demanding, or on the fact that they have just turned 40. This allows them to suppress their guilt and keep doing what they are doing – making them cheating partners. Recovering from an affair means that you get really honest about the ways you have hurt your spouse. It can be really unpleasant and uncomfortable to listen to your spouse on topics that have devastated him or her. But it is imperative that you do so. There will be no results until you have listened to your spouse without defensiveness.
As it has been outlined above, you need to listen to your spouse’s feelings of hurt or going through betrayal intimate details but you don’t have to tolerate verbal abuse. Betrayed partners often have emotional outbursts because they are shocked and traumatized. It is important to realize that this is a normal part of their experience. Don’t blame them for it – remember, you’re the reason they’re hurt!. You should request a time-out if the situation gets out of control. Persuade your spouse that you will be happy to revisit the subject after both of you have had a chance to cool down. If part of the reason you had the affair was because you have not been able to ask your partner for what you needed – now is the perfect time to start doing that.
Detach from the outcome
You could be the most apologetic and liable person in the world and your spouse could still leave you. Or you could be less than apologetic and do very little on rebuilding trust and your spouse might stay because she or he is afraid to leave you. Either way, you can not control your spouse’s decision. You can only control what you do. Set your intention and do the next right thing and let go of the outcome. If the relationship is meant to survive – it will survive!
So, to further answer the question, is it possible for a married couple to reconcile after an infidelity? We can also outline the importance of you friends. First safe thing you can do is to confide in your best friend as you should not involve a lot of people in such a sensitive event in your life. That is the best person that will provide you with the much needed comfort in such a moment. He or she will reassure you that everything will be fine. Your best friend will help you think this has nothing to do with you and that it is not your fault.
Common marriage reconciliation mistakes to avoid after infidelity – To sum up…
Your best friend will be your arm for crying if you feel like that. You bff will also be the person you will get heavily drunk with after you find out that you have been cheated on. This is the person that will be willing to spend quite some time with you. You will be talking about everything and anything that will come to your mind and that is related to the infidelity you are experiencing. Your best friend will help you get your faqs straight and organized that will certainly help you go through this difficult situation easier.
It is much easier when you have somebody to point out to you 10 common marriage reconciliation mistakes to avoid after infidelity. It can tremendously assist you with making and/or not making some of the decisions in these nerve wrecking times for you.
Difficult times call for difficult decisions and it always helps to have a great person beside you can trust.
It will certainly be so much fun to laugh off. All crazy things and facts that will be said and done related to this unpleasant happening sometime in the future as something that happened last year can not hurt that much as it hurts now!