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Distancing yourself from the in-laws

Distancing yourself from the in-laws

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Having in-laws can be very tricky. You can be lucky and get a whole new family which will love you and respect you, but also you can get a set of serious enemies and end up distancing yourself from the in-laws. Why is it like that? Who knows?! It has been like that since ever. Some people are accepted into new families, some are not. It is probably about different personalities, beliefs, origins, and all other things that separate people and make them intolerant of others. It can happen to everyone anywhere.

To stay around or distance yourself from impossible in-laws?

But when it happens with in-laws and people you need to share your life with it can be very painful and disappointing. And it depends on you how you will deal with it. Will you stay around and do anything to please them, or will you distance yourself from them? Usually, people just stay around in this situation when they have no other options. But lack of love, respect, mutual tolerance, and understanding can be very sad and exhausting and you need to distance yourself from it.

It is normal to want to be away from the negative people

It is completely normal to want to be away from all the negative feelings and energy. And if you do not hate them as much as they hate you, you will be devastated and in need of some kind of healing away from them as the source of your pain.

How to distance yourself from them?

So the most common reaction is distancing yourself from the in-laws. How you are going to do that depends on you. Will you do that completely or you will just reduce your contact is something you have to decide for yourself. Considering that is your husbands family, it will not be possible to make a complete distance. And if they live nearby you need to see them occasionally. So how to do that?

Reduce your contact with them

Well, first you will probably reduce personal contact with them. You will stop calling them and visiting them often. Even when you stop visiting them it is the possibility that they will continue visiting you. Less contact means less stress and fewer unnecessary insults. You can not forbid them to visit you but you can decide not to visit them. If your husband wants to visit them he can go alone or with the kids and you find some excuse not to go yourself. 

Find suitable excuses for that

It can be some harmless excuse like doing some errands around the house to serious ones like you are ill and can not leave the house. That would be a lie but not the whole lie. The fact that you need to visit them will probably make you a little bit anxious leading to some kind of fever. Thinking of all the complaints and the insults can make you even vomit so you will be a little bit sick. 

Try not to become a pathological liar. It is not worth it.

So trying to distance yourself from the in-laws includes a lot of unwanted things you usually would not do, but dealing with them is more terrifying. That goes for phone calls too. If they have tendencies to call, especially every day, try to avoid those calls as much as you can. And that should not be so hard because you can see who is calling. 

Try to find the excuses but just be careful not to become a serious liar. Changing yourself that much is not worth it. If you see that you are going in the wrong direction with it, just stop and find a way to deal with them differently. Maybe that will include some serious mental training and learning self-control but that is better than becoming a person you do not want to be. And that is a pathological liar just to escape your in-laws.

what should a woman do before getting married
What should a woman do before getting married?

Instead of excuses maybe you should try to deal with them

So maybe instead of constantly finding excuses you should try constantly training self-control. Try to learn how to react to their words and actions and how to process them. Learn how to receive it and let it go immediately like you did not even hear them. That will not be easy but that is the best path to become immune to their intentions. Because that is exactly what you need to achieve: Become immune to them and their words and actions.

Search for advice in books or on the internet

You may even search for help in the books or the internet. There must be a thousand sites with coaches and mental health professionals offering solutions to your problem. Social media is very popular these days and there is a solution for everything. Also, you can buy yourself books with similar resolutions for your problem which you can read. So if you can not solve your problems by yourself, get help and start working on them.

Set the boundaries and act by them

It is not important if you have problems with your mother-in-law, sister-in-law, or father-in-law. Whoever is the source of your problems you need to know how to set boundaries and how to act. That is important for your mental health and the good family relationship you want to build. Healthy boundaries mean a healthy relationship.

Distancing yourself from the in-laws. Be prepared for family events

Spending time with your family members can give you a hard time. Family gatherings are a good opportunity for them to provoke you in front of everybody so you need to be specially prepared for it. If they think that your coming into their family ruined their family dynamics they will be especially rude to you at family events. So try to be above the situation. Do not let them disbalance you so you start talking back to them. Just smile and walk away and go talk to someone who is not that unfriendly. If there is someone like that there. 

Stick with the family member who likes you. There must be one.

And it always is. There must be one family member who likes you and which you can talk to without fear. Hang on to them and do not even try to talk with somebody else. Maybe you will get the need to improve your relationship with someone but that can backfire on you. They can start insulting and snapping at you in front of everyone. And you will feel horrible. But also there is always a chance that you can improve some relationship with some members so you need to carefully estimate the situation and approach someone at the right moment. 

Do not be cold and bitter with everyone. Distance yourself just from bad and toxic people.

So instead of being bitter and cold to everyone try to use those family get-togethers to build some relationships and for improvement. You own that to yourself and your significant other. After all, that is your new family and the family of the man you love so it is a logical and smart thing to do. 

Distancing yourself from in-laws means distancing yourself from bad people and family members who are bad and toxic. You are not obligated to talk to them and try to please them. That would be a waste of time and energy. Instead, focus on the good people that every family has and try to build a good relationship with them. That can mean empowerment and it can build your self-esteem.  Let go of toxic people and focus on good ones. Your marriage will be better and your life simpler. 

Find out what your husband think about your problems with in-laws

Also, for the success of your intentions, it is important how your husband feels about the situation., First, did you even inform him about it? Does he know about your problems with the in-laws and what he thinks about them? If he did not notice for himself, you should try to tell him that carefully. Try to explain to him about the problem some members of your family are creating for you, and ask him for advice or help. Maybe he will have a good idea of how to deal with them and help both of you to have a better relationship with them. After all, it is his family and he knows them better than you so he may know some tricks on how to melt their hearts and win them over. 

If he offers you advice and helps use it

If he offers you advice, use it. You have nothing to lose but you may have a chance to solve your problems with the in-laws forever, without distancing yourself from them. Because that is the last solution. If everything fails, then you can cut ties and take a distance. Before that, you have to do everything to make it work. It is important for your marriage and happiness so you need to work on it. Maybe they are not bad people. Maybe they just do not like some things about you on which you can work. 

Change your annoying habits for a start

Try to find out what is bothering them exactly and start working on it. Maybe it is not that scary and nothing that serious. It could be something about how you talk, dress, or the way you act in general. Those things are fixable and not the end of the world. Maybe you really picked up some unintentional behavior and you need improvement and change. 

Ask your husband if he also thinks those habits are annoying and if he confirms it that is a clear sign for you to change it. Do not be offended, be realistic. Compromise is everything in relationships so you need to do it. Meet them halfway and improve your relationship with your husband and family members. Consider yourself lucky that your husband understands you and he is willing to help. 

If he does not care about your problems with your in-laws you are in trouble

Also, there is a situation where the husband does not care about your problems with relatives. It is only important for him that he has a good relationship with them. The fact that they do not like you and make you feel uncomfortable, and not welcome is not important to him. In this case, you are in trouble. You need to find out how to fix your problem yourself. And now that you told him about it he could make it harder. He may watch your moves and behavior when you are with them. Also, he could try to talk to them to see where the problem is for himself. 

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Toxic family quotes – How to stand up for yourself?

Not having your husband at your side could be a nightmare

That could be a nightmare. They will probably say nothing is happening and that you are making things up because you do not like them. And he will believe them. That is for sure. Because he loves them and he has a good relationship with them and you are probably the one saying things that are not true. Consider yourself lucky if he does not ask them that in front of you. If he does that you can end up fighting with everyone including him. And there you will have marriage problems along with relatives problems.

You should deal with that situation carefully

How you deal with that is something you should consider carefully. First, you need to find a way to fix your new problems with your husband. That is a priority. Talk with him and tell him you are sorry that your in-laws do not like you and that it is not your fault. Also, tell him that you will do anything to change that and it includes changing things that they do not like. Maybe this sounds a little bit cowardly but you really need to do it if you want to save your marriage. If you love your husband and your family it will not be that hard to give up a few annoying things that bother your in-laws. 

Make sure your husband notices the effort you make to change things for the better

And start with realization. Make sure he notices your effort to change things for the better. Do not avoid your visits to them especially if he suggests it. Go with him and try to apply everything you decided to do to make things better. If he loves you he will appreciate your effort because it is not easy to be surrounded by a lot of people who do not like you and constantly offended you. It is really a hard thing to do and that is something that only people who have been through that understand.

He may become more understanding and try to help you

Also, there is a possibility that he will finally notice what they are doing and he will change his point of view and his attitude. He will become more understanding and he will try to help you to go through it. Maybe he will talk with them now with different arguments asking for kindness and understanding for his wife. And if he does that there is a big chance that they will do that. He is their part of the family and someone who they love and respects so they will stop just to not upset him. At least. In the beginning. And after that, in time, maybe they will find a way to love you and respect you at least as his wife if they can love you for who you are. 

Maybe his family will also appreciate your effort and become more loving

But we hope that they will know you better in time and see and appreciate your effort to please them so they will love you for that. Because it is not a small thing to come into a new family especially if it is a big one. Marriage and a new situation is a big thing and we all need adjustments. And realizing that the in-laws hate you can be very shocking and stressful. So the best solution is to find a way to deal with them in the best possible way. If it is necessary, search for help in books, the internet, or even professional help to solve your problem. You are not the only one who has this problem so there must be a lot of solutions for it. You just need to find the right one for you.

Try to find a way to make things right with them. It is less stressful.

Even if you decide to distance yourself from your in-laws, you will need help to do it, because it would not be easy. Balancing between your marriage and in-laws would be a nightmare and constant stress. So maybe the best solution is to find a way to make things right with them, instead of taking a distance. You own that to yourself, and to your husband. And that is the easier way, even if it does not look like that at the beginning. It may seem easier to take a distance from the source of your pain, but in a long way, it is better to stay around.

That way you will stay healthy and in healthy relationships with everyone

That way you would stay in a healthy relationship with your husband and yourself. You would not need to be in a constant search for excuses and lies to avoid them and hide it from him. You could be yourself and still stay loyal to your husband. And if you change some things about yourself to please them, you could be even the best version of yourself. You would not have to change yourself for the worse, becoming a pathological liar just to avoid them. You would be a good person, a loving wife, and someone who did everything to make the relationship with the in-laws succeed. Instead of being under stress non-stop, you would be proud of yourself, and your effort. Taking a higher road is always a better solution than playing games and being petty. So if you want a happy marriage and peace of mind, you will try to stay around with your in-laws and not distance yourself from them.

It is possible that you will not succeed in changing them. Do not be upset! Find a way to be above the situation.

But of course, it is possible that you will not succeed in your attempt to please them. Maybe they are just that kind of people who are constantly unsatisfied with everything. It could be the fact that their son gets married too soon, they do not like your family, not you or they are just some unhappy people in general, and it is impossible to please them. If you realize those facts and they proceed with their attacks then you should maybe reduce your contact but not completely. Go to important events and avoid only the worst members. Be kind and do everything you can to have a good atmosphere. But you can not do the impossible. It is important for you to know that, and not to expect miracles. 

Respect everyone, even the worst ones

Show respect to everyone, even the worst ones. Do not talk back and react to attacks, which usually mean some insults. Just smile and walk away if it is possible. Reacting to the insults would not bring you anything good so you just pretend you did not hear them. Be above the situation and avoid pettiness. Being petty and revengeble is one of the worst things people do and that makes them horrible people you do not want to be around. So your in-laws are not worth of you becoming that kind of person, so do not. Be a person you will be proud of at the end of the day.

Your husband will be thankful and proud of you

And your husband will be proud of you and thankful for your behavior especially if he knows about what you are going through. If he cares for you he will also want for that situation to end because he cares about them too. He can not choose between you and them so it is really on you to save those relationships. It is a big bourdain, but you can do it. It is hard but not impossible. Just think of your husband, your marriage, and your happiness, and you will succeed. And how often those events could be anyway. Once or twice a month. You can deal with that because you have motivation. You and your family. That is the only thing important and every sacrifice is worth it. Especially if you are a newlywed. When you start thinking about it that way, it would not be hard to do the rest.

Changing your point of view means changing the quality of your life.

Changing the quality of your life means changing a point of view that you have. Find your peace of mind and things that make you happy and stick with it. It will be hard to balance everything but not impossible. If those gatherings are not often, it should not be so hard to deal with them. But, you will be in trouble if they have tendencies to do that a lot. Once or twice a month is bearable in this situation but more than that is a nightmare. So you need to be prepared for everything and know how to manage that. 

A joint family can make a united front

A joint family can make a united front and it will be hard for you to get through it, but you need to try. If you love your husband you are obligated to try everything before giving up and making cuts. You will realize that some people are getting softer during the years but also that you need to cut contact with some because they are so toxic and not giving up on hate. So for some toxic family members, there is no other solution but to cut the contact. 

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Do not be upset if you have to cut contact with some people

Do not be upset and frightened if you have to do that. If you are afraid of the reaction of your husband, think of the consequences it has on your soul. Staying around them will hurt you and your relationship so you need to cut ties and reduce your contact with them. Do that carefully and smoothly so he does not notice that. That is his family and he would be hurt to know the situation between you and them. While you are trying to avoid contact try not to lie a lot and become a serious liar. You do not want that. It is important to stay loyal to yourself and still succeed to avoid toxic people who are hurting you constantly. It will not be easy to do that so that is why we are suggesting using professional help to get you through that. That is the best way to go through that process and stay the normal and decent person you are.

If you have a best friend use it for advice

You can even use your best friend for advice if you have one. Because you need to share your situation with someone, and that could be a friend for a start. She can give you advice because maybe she had a similar situation and she was going through a similar experience. So maybe before you search for professional help try to talk with your friend about your problem. You never know. Maybe she will have the best solution for you. Especially if she is married longer than you. And if she does not have a similar experience and she can not give you advice, she might have helped you with her compassion and love. Sometimes that is enough too. The fact that someone understands what we are going through and does not judges us but supports us, means a lot. Having a good friend in this situation is a very good thing. Maybe the best one. It will be easier to open yourself to someone you know and love, than to a complete stranger. 

So if you have a best friend, use it. Do not be shy and tell her what you are going through. If she loves you she will be happy to help you. If she has no similar experience there is always someone who does, and maybe she knows it and can tell you about it. There is a saying that problems we have we should not hide because there is always someone who has been through a similar experience and can help us. That is applying to you and this problem too.

It is a common situation and you should search for help somewhere else too if needed

Because there are a lot of families who do not accept a new daughter-in-law into their family and you can not do anything about it but accept it, and learn how to live with it. This problem is very common and you can reach for advice everywhere. For the beginning start with a friend and then books, social media, or professionals. You will find a solution somewhere. The only problem is to blend that solution with your family and your activities. It is important not to upset your husband and not let him know what is happening. If he knows maybe he would help you but the bigger chance is that he would be just upset, not knowing what to do. 

Your husband can not choose between you and his family

He can not choose between his family and you. Especially if you live together or nearby. So try to balance your activities and make sure he does not notice that. When you have to visit them or they are visiting you, apply all things you learned, and hope for the best. Maybe in time, they will get tired of attacking you non-stop and accept the fact that you are there to stay, so you will have a better relationship with them. That is a possibility, so you should be hoping for that, too. Nothing lasts forever, and we hope that hate and intolerance do not last either. 

Few toxic people should not be in the way of your happiness

Your well-being is important, and so is the well-being of your family. Of course, you will do anything to keep things that way. Few toxic people should not be in the way of your happiness. No one says it will be easy, but it is worth it. And if your husband ever finds out what you have been going through he will be proud of you and thankful for what you did, for him and your family. So do not regret the effort and patience you invested in that. It will pay off in the end, and you need to believe it. Think of a reward and that is a happy family who will be proud of you for not giving up on them.

To distance yourself from the in-laws or not?

So distancing yourself from the in-laws who are torturing you is necessary, but not always. Sometimes you need to stay around and try to find a way for that relationship to work. It will not be easy but it is not impossible. Be patient and persistent and think of the benefits in the end. And that is a happy husband, happy children, and a happy family. Do not regret your effort and everything you had to go through. It will fade away at some point. The only thing it will stay is you and your loving family. And that should be enough for you, as the fact, and the motiv. 

So start working on that soon as possible and do not think that will go away easily. It will not. It will take a lot of your energy and tears, and a lot of time. So sooner you start it will be finished earlier. The best friend can help you the most. But do not hesitate to search for help somewhere else. We hope it will not take much time for them to realize they are wrong and how great you are. Wish you good luck and a lot of happy moments with your family.